Trans Secret

"I'm a transwoman" I said shakingly, tears run down my cheeks. He stiffened and thought for a moment and just like any other man I loved he walked away.

Been there, done that I don't wanna feel that again. I promised myself that I won't tell my darkest secret to my next lover. I never want to be left behind. I don't want them to moved on with their lives while I'm still struggling to stand on my own.

For years of searching for my Mr. Right, I finally found Alex. Sweet, loving and very understanding. He almost seemed like an illusion for being perfect. He's handsome, tall and smart. Every girls' dream, as they say. Among my exes, he's the one I hoped most that would love me dearly. I'm afraid that just like my exes, he'll walk away. I love him so and for loving him, I know I'll badly get hurt in the end, but I still want to risk.

I'm sorry Alex, but I won't tell you about the real me so you won't leave me. I love you so much that I can't seem to let you go.

"Mary?" he snapped. I didn't notice I was just staring at him in deep thought while having our date. "Did you hear m-me?" he cleared his throat. "U-Uhm s-sorry. What did you say?" I ask. He chuckled. "I was saying, my mom has been nagging me to bring you at our place. S-she wants to meet you" he stuttered.

"Oh" I shockingly replied. I looked at him in the eyes. I know this guy loves me dearly. He's serious of our relationship unlike my ex before. But I know if I told him the truth, he'll just be like them. He'll leave me like he never loved me.

I tried so hard to be loved. To be accepted. But still I feel worthless, unloved and easily forgotten. Why? This is what I feel. I'm gay. I'm in love with someone who have the same sex as I am. I even change my whole me just to be loved but then I never thought that is what would hurt me the most. The feeling that you were never loved by someone you loved or you badly thought he loves you, that he would still accept you for who you are?

"M-Mary? If you're not ready, i-it's okay" "NO! I would love to Alex" I said excitedly.

He was surprised at my reaction. His smile was priceless. I love you Alex.

"So uhm , S-Saturday?" "Yeah sure. I just don't know how to face your mom. This is actually my first time. "

"W-what? R-Really?" "Y-yes." I replied shyly.

"You're beautiful when you blush" he stares at me like forever. "Don't worry my mom would love you. I'm sure of that" he adds. "I love you Alex so much" I confessed. He smiled. "Sometimes I wonder what great things I did in my past life to deserve someone as perfect as you. I love you more Mary"

God. This is bad. I so love him. I wonder if I'll ever love like this ever again. I did not notice a tear run down my cheeks. He immediately wipe it. "H-hey please don't cry. I never want you to cry." I sighed. I want to tell him the truth but I can't. I feel like I'm going to die once he's going to leave me. I hugged him tight and he hugged me back kissing my forehead. "I love you Mary so much!" he said breaking the silence. I just hugged him so tight hoping that's true.

On Saturday, I finally met his parents. They are all very supportive with our relationship especially his Mom. His mom kept on asking things about me. Not bad for a first timer, I said to myself. I feel like I'll be part of their family pretty much soon. I hope Alex will marry me. God! I'll be the happiest gay in the universe. But I know this isn't right. I'm being selfish. But what should I do? Tell him and I'll be left again? Alex was having fun with his nephews. He's so cute caressing each one of them. I then froze as I realized I can never give him one if ever in the future. He's so happy. I know like other man, he wished to have his own and I can't do that. I hold on my tears so he won't notice. "Are you okay?" He asked. "Ah yes! I just got dirt in my eyes" "Oh let me blow it for you" "Y-yes please" he looks so adorable trying to get my fake dirt in my eyes. "There" then he leaned and kissed me on the lips.

Our relationship is full of love and fun. We travel, hike, and exercise. We went to the gym every weekend. Jog first hour in the morning everyday. Work but still text each other, updating what we are doing or who are we with, sent photos with one another. I know it's weird but I find it very sweet. I know deep down him, he really love me and so am I. I just hope if ever he'll know the truth he would still love me.

One morning, as I excused myself from my lovely boyfriend to go to the comfort room, a man went to him. The man cried in front of him and tried to kiss him but he was strong enough to stop the man and tried to punch him. I was so shocked that I can't move even an inch. The man was being thrown away by the security leaving a furious man. He turned only to see me. I still can't believe what he did. I've always known him for being so gentleman and very understanding.

"M-Mary?" The moment I heard his worried voice. I quickly run to him. "What was that? T-the m-man w-was" trying to kiss you. I want to finish my sentence but I can't. The gay was trying to kiss him! A gay! "But he didn't because I'm so strong" he joked. "You shouldn't do that to him. H-he l-loves you" he was stunned for a moment for my choice of words. "Are you saying, I should let him kiss me?" He raised his eyebrow. "No! I mean you should have been polite not punch him directly. " he wouldn't stop Mary if I'll always treat him the way you want me to. I'll never love him for god sake's. Just the thought of kissing him makes me want to vomit" his words hurts me a million times. A pang of pain in my heart that I can't explain. He hate gays. He hates me. I know for sure the moment he'll know the real me, he'll turn away.

I was speechless. I look at him, he wasn't joking. He really felt that man is a disease. I saw my exes in his eyes the moment I told them I am transwoman.

Days passed and I cut our communication. I didn't bother to reply to all his text. I always give some damn excuse just to get rid of not seeing him. I can't. I need to get used on not having him in my life. But he is so persistent that he went to where I am working bringing bouquets of red roses and chocolates. "M-Mary" I just blink. I suddenly want to hugged him tight because I miss him so much! But I shouldn't. I need to get used not having him in my life. I remind myself. "M-Mary, i-is there something I d-did to f-feel the cold treatment you're g-giving m-me?" He stuttered asking me while a tear was about to come out his eyes. "W-What? No" I lied. You hate gays. You're going to hate me. "I love you Mary please don't be like this. We are so happy. Aren't you happy with me? Please don't leave me" he cried. He cried. No! I'm sorry Alex. I love you so much. I should be the one begging that. Don't leave me. "Alex, I love you. I really do. I'm just afraid -" "Afraid what?" "You'll hurt me like my exes do" "Shhh,never! I'll never leave you Mary. That's impossible!" I silently hope again that's true.

I want to return all his efforts in rebuilding our relationship again. On our one and half months, I decided to surprise him at his office. I cook him his favorite food for his lunch and brought my DIY box where our memories are shown.

I took a deep breath while waiting for the elevator, but as I was about to get in, I saw him cheerfully chatting a beautiful girl. A pang of jealousy dominates me. A girl. I said to myself. Someday, she can give him a child. She can exactly fulfill his needs. Unlike me. I can't. Before the tear come out my eyes, I quickly ran outside to find a cab. I finally decided to leave him. I can't afford getting hurt again. I was wrong of this selfish love. I so love him that I am letting him go. I love you Alex, but we can't be together.

I ran away. I ignored all his calls, deactivated all my accounts, flew to New York changing my number not my mind. I am so determined to move on. I want to let him go. This is the best thing that I could ever do to him.

I went on again to my normal life, tried to date other guys just to forget about him. Yes I dated but this time it's all a game for me. I better play than being played. Of almost a year of staying in New York, I received a letter and a CD. It was from Alex's mom. I don't have any idea why they got my address in New York. He's still into me. He loves me for being Mary the transwoman. I tried to remind myself over and over again. I can't forget him. I'll never be able to forget someone like him. I was thinking if I should read the letter or just ignore it. My fear overcomes my mind that I instantly keep the letter in my cabinet together with the CD. I know for sure once I read the letter or watch the CD I'll be stuck on being selfish again and go back to him. Afraid to let him go.

A month after that, an incident happen that change my life forever. A girl ran unto me furiously.

"MARYYY!!! GET YOUR ASS OUT NOW! HOW DARE YOU!" "excuse me? What are you talking about? Who are you? " I calmly ask while typing 911 on my phone. As I was about to talk to the police, she grab my phone and toast it like she's used to it. What the hell?

"What the hell miss? Are you drunk? My God, help! Somebody help!" I screamed but she grab my hair dragging me outside my house. My neighbors didn't notice us because she instantly stop me from screaming. She's too strong. God, if I'm still man, I could have punch this bitch. Thank God, a patrol man ran directly unto us the moment they saw me struggling to go.

"I HATE YOU MARY! I THOUGHT YOU LOVE ALEX HUH? WHY MARY? WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM?!" "A-Alex?" I stiffened as the memory flashback.

The girl was the beautiful one I saw talking cheerfully with Alex. But she's different now, I find it hard to recognize her. She look miserable and desperate. If it weren't for the mention of Alex name, I'll never knew her.

"NOW YOU FORGET HIM HUH?" She asked sarcastically trying to get away from the patrol men. "LET ME GO!" she pleaded. "We have a report here copy" the patrol man said on her recorder ignoring her. She cried calming down. "M-Mary how could you do that to Alex? How could you do that to my bestfriend? In the times that he needs you, you left him like you never love him" "W-What?" I asked panicking. "What happened to him?" "He's g-gone. M-my b-bestfriends g-gone" she cried hard. I tried to process everything she said but it won't register. He's gone? How? When? What? NOOOOO! SHE'S KIDDING RIGHT? "W-What do you mean h-he's gone?" I shakingly asked. "If you didn't ran away, if you weren't cruel enough to spare your time even on his last breathe, he could have died happily" she whispered. "I don't understand, you're kidding right?" She look at me with confusion. "I guess you haven't read tita's letter a month ago. How low of you. You're really pretentious huh? I thought you're different from the girls he dated. You're just like them. The worst!!!"

I was about to ask her what really happened when she cried like there's no tomorrow and I can no longer figure what to do with her. I just let the patrol man get her.

I was too weak to ask. I can't even move. I tried to process everything. Is he really gone? Then I remember the office his working. I tried contacting it and luckily I heard a person in the other line. "Yes this is from Chanel Central Office. What can we do to you?" a cheerful woman's voice ask.

"U-Uhm M-May I t-talk to your branch manager, Alex Pedrosa?" I nervously asked. "M-Mr. Alex Pedrosa? Sorry maam but Mr. Pedrosa have resigned 7 months ago. Is there anything that we could help you?" I was about to ask what happened when another voice on the line talk. "Mary? Is this Mary? This is Eric. Alex's friend." "Eric?" I sighed in relief finally I can ask someone who knows Alex's whereabouts. Eric was Alex's coworker.

"Alex. Can I talk to Alex?" "Alex? What do you mean? I thought you were at the funeral?" I shockingly drop my phone.

I ran inside trying to process everything. Alex is gone. Alex is gone. The truth keeps on running in my mind. Then I remember the letter and the CD. The girl told me, I should have known what happened to Alex if I have read the letter. I went into my room, getting the letter and the CD in my cabinet. I desperately tear the envelope and read the letter.

May 18, 2001

Hi Mary, I want to come there in New York just to drag you back here with Alex. But I can't because I need to take care of him. Even if I ask other people even Leila just to bring you, we can't. Alex will be mad. He's dying Mary. I hate to admit that to myself but the doctors have set his life span. I can't believe that I am losing Alex.. Mary. I can't hate you nor blame you Mary but at least a little time from you is precious for him. We tried to contact you but you just shut yourself.

Though he's ill, he still be able to edit the videos he took just for you. Valentine's Day, Monthsary, Anniversary, Christmas, New Year then sadly he wasn't able to record another Valentine's day. But don't worry he took it in advance just for you. The doctor advised him to rest so he could gather all his strength for dialysis. Despite the set time, I begged the doctors to do their best to prolong his life. He loved you so much Mary. He loved you so much that he learned to let you go. But as a mother, is it wrong to ask just a bit love from you for my son? Please Mary come here even you no longer love Alex please give him time to at least die happily.

-Tita Agnes

I hugged the letter. I cried so hard. I want to kill myself for being stupid. I was selfish. I left him without saying goodbye. I left him without telling him the real am because I was too afraid he'll leave me. To save myself, I ruined his. It took me an hour to think all the happy memories we had. If I weren't stupid we could at least make use of his time. I cried harder then I remember the CD.

With all my strength, I went to my screen and plug the CD in my DVD player. And it was indeed a video greeting me on special occasions with all the bouquets and chocolates. It looks like he's surprising me. As the video go further, he slowly look pale and thin. His eyebags shown. I cried.

"Hi Mary, happy anniversary!! I still love you Mary. I still hope you come back but I'm happy for you. I heard you are dating an Australian. Is he treating you nicely? Does he calls you at 3 am? Hahaha kidding. I love you Mary, always and forever. It hurts to see you fall in love with someone else but I guess he's better for you anyway." the video was cut but even it was cut, I know he cried.

On the next clip, it was I guess Christmas because the scene was full of gifts and he's wearing Santa hat. "Hi Mary, merry Christmas! I still think about you. How are you? I bet it's cold there. Don't go outside much okay? You'll easily get cold. I can't bring you gift you know but I'll tell you my secret " he paused for a minute.

"Mary, I'm sorry for hiding all this time." he paused.

Why did you hide your sickness Alex? I could have took care of you.

"The moment you left without saying goodbye, part of me was happy for you. I know for sure I can't give you the things you want in life. I was just so afraid Mary. I still can't think the reason why you left and to be honest I am still selfishly hoping you'll come back." he stuttered while tears run down his cheeks.

To be honest too Alex I would love to selfishly come back to you. I whispered.

I cried harder as the last sentence of his keeps on playing in my mind.

"Mary, I love you so much. Thank you for the very short time, still I felt this strong feeling till I die. I love you so much Mary. I was just afraid to tell you that M-Mary" he paused again. Tears run down on my cheeks as I saw him closing his eyes while saying,

"M-Mary, I'm a transman. And just like my exes, you'll walk away"

#transgender